Revenge Affair

Posted on December 9, 2010 by Kristen

Revenge is SO Sweet


Yeah! I had one – am having one – and will continue to have one, and I won’t get caught. Let me tell you why!

Kristen has an affair

First of all, it’s obvious since I am having a Revenge Affair, then I have been cheated on! This is not rocket science, so hopefully you figured that one out.
Yeah, yeah, I read stories, testimonials, and even got advised to NOT have a revenge affair. Here are the main arguments for not doing it.

•    You would lower yourself to their level
•    You would lose your character and morals
•    You lose your dignity
•    It won’t have the same effect on your Spouse as his Affair did on you

And on and on the warnings go.

Reality and Truth

Here is the ‘Realistic’ and ‘Truthful’ response to the naysayers.
 
Look, I still have my character and morals. Just the same as I always have. And someday ‘IF’ I am in a committed relationship again, then I can be as committed as any human on the planet. When I am in an honest relationship and not ever lied to, then I can, and will, be as honest as the Pope.  So you see, I have not lost my character or my morals, I am still the exact same person I always was.

Oh! I know, some of you don’t think so – you think I have damaged my character because now I can’t have ‘Victim’ tattooed on my forehead and wear it around with pride! Well, guess what? I don’t want ‘Victim’ tattooed on my forehead since that would drastically change my outward appearance and likely not match any outfit presently in my closet.

You know what else? I don’t want “Doormat” tattooed on my forehead either!

An Eye for an Eye

Whatever happened to “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander?” Or “An Eye for an Eye.”  The later of those phrases is even in the holy scriptures.  Yet some are tricked into believing that does not apply to being cheated on.  Then, what do those wise sayings apply to? Everything ‘But’ being cheated on?

So, as for character, morals, dignity, and any other lovely attachment you might be fashioning, guess what? I had all those before I was cheated on. Did my unblemished morals, honesty, or character prevent my significant other from experiencing intimacy outside our relationship? No! Were those wonderful attributes even considered? No!

So you say a Revenge Affair won’t have the same effect?

On who? This argument is used to discourage trying to inflict pain on a Spouse by running out and having an affair to try to get even. That’s stupid, that’s nuts!  That is not even the point. Anyone who has a revenge affair for that reason is not smart enough to read this and understand.

No, it will not have the same effect on my Spouse as his affair did to me. Because he won’t ever find out!

This Affair is for ME!

Point is: I don’t want to cause him pain. I don’t want to inflict anything on him. This Affair is for me, not for him! I want to experience the same feelings he did with someone new. I want to feel admired and desired with a new partner intimately. I want to experience the endorphins from a new emotional attachment. So will my affair have the same effect? Yes it will, for Me!

And just like him, I don’t want to divorce, separate, lower my standard of living, or lose half of what I have.
And no, I won’t get caught.
There are simple rules that must be followed to prevent being caught in an Affair. These are outlined in detail at infidelityaffair.com.  I will enjoy my new intimacy, I will always have my character and morals, I will not lose my dignity, and I WILL NOT be a doormat or a victim.

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After Discovery

Posted on November 29, 2010 by JM

      Get the truth  hot infidelity affair

Make sure the affair is over – Get the proof.     

Do you think he will keep his "tool" in his pants the next time, or she will not spread her legs at another opportunity?

"If You feel like I did when I found out that she was freaking cheating and screwing with a co-worker, I almost went balistic, just Cursing – Angry – Betrayed – Lost – No one to talk too.  I was tired hearing from a friend 'this is aweful, or how sorry he was for my situation'. This was all BS and not helping. Only after I was able to voice my anger and frustration, explain my pain and despair, and found that there were many others, I found my way back to heal and recover."

"My husband forgot his cellphone. It rang and before I could say a word, there was her hasty voice rambling not to come because her hubby came home unexpectedly and she would call back when he is gone. After days of denial he finally admitted and this bastard told me he was only out for more sex and no love. Sh.., I hang on for weeks not knowing what to believe and thanks to so much advise and responses, I realized part was my frigid problem in the bedroom, and now we are closer together then before."

These are two unsolicited emails we received from people who joined the Private Member forum, where everyone stays completely anonymous, no person knows the other ones, and you can let your emotions free range. Curse, cry, ask for and give advise, share and read what others experienced and how they handled their pain and anger.

Get the truth – make sure the affair is over – get the proof.  Use the resources, such as Spyware, GPS, Cell and Phone lookup, see categories listed for products recommended and used by members.

#1:    Join the FREE Support Group Forum  Support Group Forum  .

#2:    Start Counseling TODAY  Live Professional Counselors, Available 24/7!
(not tomorrow, next week or next month, and only a money issue should stop this choice)

or #3:   Get REVENGE – You must be out of your mind. What are you waiting for? – A Miracle?
Keep suffering, being alone and have more sleepless nights. The pain will only increase.
Sorry to be so blunt here.
We have received comments like these over and over: "I should have joined earlier", "I thought I could manage it", "The counseling really helped", "The Counselor helped me from making mistakes", "I looked at myself and had my own affair, what a great feeling". "Wish I had called earlier",

Every day you wait will make you feel more miserable, your anger will increase and just hoping that something changes is just wishful thinking. Discovering your spouse did have an Affair – so get even.

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End the Affair

Posted on November 28, 2010 by survivor

End the Affair

When Infidelity is discovered, seeking counseling is one of the first things that normally happens.  Many times it is the Betrayed who desperately wants to save the marriage, insists on counseling, and hopes that a counselor can talk some sense into the Wayward Spouse.  Sure, there is an outside chance this tactic might work. But let’s be realistic. 

Going to Marriage Counseling  with the hope of saving a marriage while the affair is active is the equivalent of taking a six-pack of beer to an AA meeting and then stopping for a stiff one on the way home. The Wayward Spouse might be there, hear all the news, the words of wisdom, but is not DOING what is needed.

Look – This advice tends to sound harsh and severe. But it’s true that there is no realistic expectation for change while a Wayward Spouse is still involved in the Affair. Until the Affair has ended, they are in the ‘fog’ and will not be responsive until given time for the fog to dissipate.

 Remember the old saying,
 “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One – IF the bulb ‘wants’ to change.”

Affairs are Fantasy

Affairs are fantasy and even the blindest Wayward Spouse eventually realizes and acknowledges that fantasy isn’t reality. But this reality most always happens after the Affair has ended. 
 So take the necessary steps to “help” the Wayward Spouse out of the fog and speed up the process from fantasy to reality.
These recommended  steps are purely 100% intended to SAVE your marriage although they will probably sound to the contrary.

1.    Tell your spouse in very clear and calm terms that you have had an epiphany: “I have realized and accepted that sharing you is a lot worse than losing you. I know I can survive losing you through divorce. I also realize that while you are actively having an affair this marriage is dead by default, but I also know I can’t survive the pain of sharing you any more.”

2.     Tell the other Betrayed Spouse.

I know the paralyzing fear that anything you do will make things "worse." I know the impulse to keep up outward appearances and clutch at the hollowed out husk of the status quo of his/her continued physical presence rather than risk separation.
But what you now have IS worse: a life of reaction, of walking on eggshells, of paranoia and pain. When he/she isn't carrying on with their Affair Partner and actively sticking your nose in it, you'll always be wondering what he/she is up to and what they are thinking. Occasional flashes of affection, lust, and remorse on their part will only make things even more surreal and give you emotional whiplash when they revert to snubbing you again or rubbing your face in it.

3.    Look out for you! If you are responsible for internet or cell phone bills that are used by your Wayward Spouse, turn them off. If you supply funds of any kind that are used to support the efforts of the Affair – close the bank.  Yes, this is harsh. But not nearly as harsh and devastating as having an Affair. Do NOT be a doormat.

4.    Cut off contact with your Spouse. Only talk about kids and/or finances. The absolute minimum. Yes, you are disengaging. Emotionally distancing yourself. This is self preservation for you and forces your spouse to make a decision.

Look at it from the Wayward Spouse point of view.

There are ultimately three states to deal with here:

A – Pursue both the affair and the a marriage at optimum levels of commitment
B – End the marriage and pursue the affair partner 100%
C – End the affair and pursue the marriage 100%

Affair Partners are addicts. Addicted to the big fluffy emotional flowers that sprang up in the fields of their heart.  Addicts given a choice between A, B, or C will choose A each and every time… It causes them the least discomfort… they get 100% of neither person but they give up neither person.. 'cake eating' at its best.

You can't force them to choose C. It is the ideal, but its not realistic.

What you can do is restrict them from choosing A.

They can't pursue the marriage at an optimum level (1% – 99%) if you end contact with them.

You are forcing them to choose B or C.

They have to make an uncomfortable choice… You are forcing them OUT of their comfort zone…

They won't always choose C. This is unfortunate. You don't know what their choice will be.

But, they will make a choice. They may claim they want a divorce and they may even follow through. But you have time to expose, let attachment eat away at them, and to allow the reality of the affair to throw bricks into their fantasy bubble.

Ending a marriage takes time

Ending a marriage takes time. When you cut them off you force them to put an END to SOMETHING rather than you living on table scraps indefinitely.

THIS is the merit of confronting, exposing, and then protecting yourself until a commitment to something 100% is made.

Doing nothing is the most destructive thing for you. The worst part of all is, you can actually get used to this! Human beings can tolerate just about anything. Sit still long enough, keep letting them call the shots, keep on rationalizing why you really can't say or do anything, and you may as well change your name to "doormat," because that will be your life sentence, made permanent through learned helplessness.
Do not let yourself become inured to constant cruelty! Pick up the phone, call the other Betrayed Spouse and inform them, take the necessary actions to force the issue, and take the power back. It's hard, it's scary…but know that if he/she walks and never comes back, then nothing you could have done would have helped. If there's still any glimmer of love left for you in your spouse’s heart, he/she will respect you for standing up for yourself and for your marriage, even though he/she will be mad that you spoiled their "fun."

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Ending the Marriage

Posted on November 1, 2010 by JM

Ending a marriage

For some, infidelity is a deal-breaker. You have likely heard many times “If my Spouse ever cheats, that’s it, it’s over and I’m done”. Like many, you may have even made that statement or some similar claim at one time or another.

Truth is, it’s easy for us to make such bold claims when there is no immediate threat of infidelity, and invariably, no one ever thinks they will fall victim to being betrayed. However, when faced with the reality that it really did happen, most generally our ‘tune’ changes. Even while experiencing the emotional upheaval, the shock, and the trauma, we may realize there is a desire to fight for our marriage, we want to make it work, there may be financial issues, or children may now be involved. Many different things can cause us to re-think what we once claimed or believed would be a definite response of being betrayed by our Spouse.

Unfortunately for some, calling it quits may be a decision made by the Cheater, therefore any desire of the Betrayed to work on the marriage is for all practical purposes, a non-issue. If this is the case, the only decision a Victim might need to make is which attorney to choose.

Other cases involve a Cheater that likes to ‘Eat Cake’. For whatever reason, wants to stay in the marriage AND continue with the Affair, thus, have their ‘Cake and Eat it too’. In this instance, there are certainly definite measures a Victim can implement to ‘Close the Bakery’ and the tactics for each case should be determined on an individual basis.

What if you can’t decide?

Many times when the Affair is discovered and exposed, it ends. Figuratively speaking, like a vampire, exposure to daylight is normally fatal to Infidelity, the lover is kicked to the curd, and the Cheater returns home in hopes of salvaging the relationship.

When this occurs the Victim is in constant turmoil, flip flopping back and forth trying to decide whether to stay, seek help, forgive, reconcile, separate, or call it quits and move on. Invariably the individual will decide one or more of these options, then change their decision many times throughout a single day. This is why I normally advise a Victim to not make any major decisions. Unless there are other factors involved such as abuse, decisions affecting the future should be avoided at least until the initial shock and trauma have subsided and those decisions can then be made after rational and logical thought.

So how long should you stay?

Barring any extenuating circumstances, ending the marriage and heading to the divorce court should be a decision made with clear thinking. Nothing is done in a vacuum, so this decision will affect the lives of others, and certainly have an adverse effect on some.

A great rule of thumb to use in deciding when to end the relationship is:

  • "Stay until you don’t ‘hurt’ anymore."

There are several logical reasons this rule should be followed.

1) As the Betrayed, you are going to hurt regardless whether you stay or go. You might as well let the one who hurt you share in the pain. Let them carry some of the burden.

2) Keeps the couple together until the 'RAW' has worn off and ‘emotions’ are no longer making the decisions. Thereby avoiding decisions that one might later regret.

3) Separations inherently cause more problems. It opens the door for the Affair to continue, and at the very least, the Betrayed will never feel emotionally safe, will suspect the continuation of the Affair, and separating can place the couple in the fast lane to the divorce court. So staying together prevents that.

4) Gives the Cheater an opportunity to prove he/she is worthy of reconciliation.

5) Gives the Victim time to recover from the trauma, the hurt to subside, and to once again be capable of making good decisions.

And who knows, while waiting for the hurt and pain to subside the couple might reconnect and commit to rebuilding a new caring, fulfilling relationship based on honesty and learn to trust again.

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Beyond Recovery

Posted on October 24, 2010 by JM

Beyond Recovery

The Infidelity Death Spiral and an Affair normally begin at relatively the same time. This is due to the fact that once a third party is brought into the relationship the Betrayed will sense something has gone awry. There will be signs and signals and the instincts will alert him/her that something is definitely wrong. At this point, most victims suffer through a period of denial, frustrated because something is wrong, nothing is the same, and they don’t understand why.

When asked, and the affair was denied the very first time, the frustration was already there, doubt had replaced security, and the Betrayed was already circling in the spiraling waters. With instincts and emotions on high alert, each subsequent answer that made no sense or action that appeared to be out of the ordinary increased the desire to learn why the relationship was suffering. This vicious cycle continues until discovery of the affair, and then the raging waters become insurmountable.

The Truth

What can possibly save the Betrayed from disappearing in the current at this point? The truth.

After discovery the Betrayed is struggling mightily to just survive, needing answers that often times the Cheater is unwilling to provide. You will see them reach the point of giving up and going under, then struggle to surface for one more breathe of air. This Death Spiral is vicious. Information and answers are needed to survive. As days, weeks, and months pass believing there is more to know about the affair and no answers are provided, the waters become even more rapid and consuming. This is their ‘LIFE’! They have a right to know whatever it is they desire.

As a Cheater, if you watch your Spouse in tears day after day, unable to eat or sleep, asking questions about the affair, and continually experiencing heart wrenching emotional breakdowns, then recognize this. This is consuming strength from the waters of the Death Spiral. Make NO MISTAKE, without needed information they WILL NOT survive. Sure, they will live another day. They will continue living because they will not give up on themselves, their instincts, or their core beliefs. They are the same person they have always been. However, they WILL give up on you and the relationship. Just to survive, if for no other reason.

As the Cheater, you are standing on the shore with a life preserver in hand watching the one you love experience this nightmare, drowning in raging water. Yet self preservation prevents you from tossing the life line to save them.

Think about it. All they want is the truth. Is that so hard?

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